Maybe I'm Trippin'?

So, I went on this trip. (Mistake?) I can't help but keep thinking that maybe it was. Maybe I should have just stayed in Texas, and then I wouldn't have missed a day of work, or over drafted my bank account. If I would have stayed home we'd still be talking like we used to. I don't know what happened, and maybe like he said "I think you're trippin'." So maybe I am? I don't think I am, but I also don't know. Things seemed so "right", but maybe thats all it was... it just seemed right. I guess. The first two nights of my trip were great. We hung out, we talked. It was nice just being around him, but my last night there (Mardi Gras Day) he pretty much gave me the cold shoulder. His defense "I was eff'd up" Ok, thats cool. I'm not mad, you enjoyed yourself, and after I got over feeling a little played (still kind of do) I enjoyed my night as well. But now, that leaves me HERE. I feel like I'm looking at one of those maps in the mall with the red dot that says "you are here" but instead of it being a map of the mall it's a map of nothing. Things did a complete 180 with us. BUT! "Maybe I'm trippin'?" We haven't really talked. I mean a text here and there (with me sending the first text) then him saying "I'll call you back" when I did call. (he never called back) This is the same guy I spent hours on the phone with just 2 weeks ago. The same guy who I never got tired of, and I thought he felt the same. The same guy I've been talking to for almost a YEAR now. I keep thinking about that line from that one Murs song "Bad Man" he says "How can we break up, when we never broke down." and thats real, we were never together. Nothing was ever made official, yeah there were hints and little jokes, even some what if's, but nothing was ever really discussed. No love is lost. No commitment was breeched. So why do I feel so attached and ripped away? Why do I feel like someone punched me in the chest and now I'm struggling to catch my breath? "Maybe I'm trippin'?" It just felt so right... untill yesterday. He completely ducked me. Blew me off. Yeah, he was "eff'd up" but damn, we had plans. I'm a cool person (I like to think I am) I'm all about honesty, if you don't want to do something, don't lie and then blow me off. All he had to do was say "I'm just trying to chill alone or without you" I'm a big girl, I can take it. I was talking about it with my friend (Who's a guy) just now and here is what we talked about....

FRIEND: chances are, if you got treated bad, you had it comin'

FRIEND: chicks don't realize that

ME: Not all the time.

FRIEND: 9.98 times out of 10

ME: I'm not one to take up for a females actions cause I know we're shiesty too

ME: but they have those cases where shorty did nothing wrong, and guys just act stupid.

ME: Kind of like where im at now.

FRIEND: well, i'm a firm believer in karma

ME: yeah, you're right.

ME: Still sucks, even if I deserve it now, and he gets what he deserves later.

FRIEND: you'll be aight, though

FRIEND: life goes on.. and what today didn't bring, tomorrow likely will

ME: dosen't feel like it.

ME: thanks dr.Phil

FRIEND: of course it won't feel like it now... because your better judgement is clouded by emotion

ME: emotions sucks

FRIEND: that it does

ME: Crazy thing is, there was no love. Maybe lust, but thats not supposed to make you feel hollow. I mean i liked him, but I wasn't falling for him that hard... i didn't think I was

ME: It wasn't, I wasn't "in love"

ME: it's not really emotions, it's my pride.

ME: I feel played. lol

And I do, I feel played more then anything. Like I'm just in a daze. I want to believe that I'm just trippin', like he said, but I have the gut feeling that I'm not. I'm not over exagerating this. He went from calling me all the time, and just making me feel special to making me feel like a bother. Like he'd be better off it I left him alone. I don't know. Hopefully I am just trippin'...

Sorry it's been a while since I've actually posted a decent blog, and this one has to be a vent, but I needed to let this out. Before I choked on the annoyance I'm feeling. Man, I just feel like a zombie. I've been listening to this song I heard with him by Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Posses Your Heart" and even though it makes me feel like shit cause it reminds me of him, I feel a peace of solace when I do hear it. (I do suggest you download it) All in all, really I just hope we can mend the friendship if there is something wrong, my fingers are crossed that I am just trippin' out on nothing. If anything though his friendship means more, cause deep down past his "man" faults he's a really great guy, even if he's not MY guy. He's still my friend. Hopefully. (sigh)