Pickin' Up The Pieces...

Is it just me or do you ever feel that life can seem so perfect and suiting, but in the blink of an eye it's like a vortex of bad shit decides to crash down on you? And not only does it consume your entire being, but just for kicks it spits you out on your ass only to swallow you up again. Ehh, welcome to my life. I haven't been blogging at all lately. Not that I haven't had the time, I just haven't. Work is hell, school starts in less than 5 months. And here I am, sitting around staring into space, twiddling my thumbs. So much has been going on around me, and I really haven't been able to grasp ahold of myself. I find I need more moments alone. I'm not a secluded person. I hate being alone. (a curse as well as a blessing) I love being surrounded by people, but I've been battling with myself, and it's making life alot more difficult then it should be. Everyday life is hectic enough. Then I realized the other day while I was taking time for myself that this is where my problem lies. Within myself. I have so many internay loose ends and damages that just aren't healed. I need to pick myself up. Peice by peice. BUT No matter what your reason may be picking up the pieces and reliving things that at the time had the power to break you, hurts. With a level of pain that I can't even begin to explain. (I can say it scares the shit out of me) It's like picking up shards of broken glass with bare hands and you seem to keep slicing your finger in the process. I knew this pain would be inevitable, but I wasn't sure to what extent. (I still don't know for sure) I started this with the firm belief that I wasn't actually trying to "fix" or mend the parts of my past that have been broken. I just wanted to "clean up" I guess. So there is never a time I find myself pulling broken glass out of my foot, and hurting myself on the broken peices left behind. It always seems tohurt more the second time around. Like a wound being re-open. I don't want to just deal anymore. I want to learn to accept and truly get over things. Not just sweep it under the rug, but remove it completely. I don't know if i'll be able to stand some of this pain again, but what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger...right? I'm going into this a little scared. Almost intimidated by my past. There were things that needed to be settled though. There still are. Personal battles that I need to tend to. A re-evaluation of my inner self, so I can be happy. Learning from my mistakes and finding peace from myself, for myself. I don't want to be a "new" me, just a better ME. I know this all isn't going to happen in one day, but I'm willing to take it day by day. This is my life. The fundamentals and the elements that make me who I am are all based on what I choose to do and surround myself with. I need to fully heal, and know myself before I can even begin to work on whats going on with me now. It's a scary, unyeilding, terrifying at times, exciting, life altering journey and It's one I've needed to take for 20 years. I'm finally at that point in my life where I'm ready. The roads look rocky, but the quest is well worth it. Bare with me.

Peace and Love

Danny Love

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