Oh How I Love It

So here I am zone'n at work, trying to keep my mind off certain he's and who's. I met a guy last night while I was working. He's cute, and I'm willing to get to know him (even though I'm not looking for a relationship) I can't help but hear that voice in the back of my mind though. The comparing that I can't seem to block out. HE'S NOT HIM, but HIM is not who wants me... Life. Oh well, I'm working on my music more, well I say that. I am writting more, really. I haven't been able to record much. I'm going get a camera, soon. I need more of an artistic escape. I want to try out making some videos become a "vlogger" (no) . Ahh well enjoy the song people. The chick "Patty Crash" who is featured on this joint is truly amazing and gifted. She's funny as hell too. :) and remeber... Making someone a priority when they only make you an option is an accident waiting to break your heart. (my words to keep me going) Take it day by day. Peace and Love everyone.

Maybe I'm Trippin'?

So, I went on this trip. (Mistake?) I can't help but keep thinking that maybe it was. Maybe I should have just stayed in Texas, and then I wouldn't have missed a day of work, or over drafted my bank account. If I would have stayed home we'd still be talking like we used to. I don't know what happened, and maybe like he said "I think you're trippin'." So maybe I am? I don't think I am, but I also don't know. Things seemed so "right", but maybe thats all it was... it just seemed right. I guess. The first two nights of my trip were great. We hung out, we talked. It was nice just being around him, but my last night there (Mardi Gras Day) he pretty much gave me the cold shoulder. His defense "I was eff'd up" Ok, thats cool. I'm not mad, you enjoyed yourself, and after I got over feeling a little played (still kind of do) I enjoyed my night as well. But now, that leaves me HERE. I feel like I'm looking at one of those maps in the mall with the red dot that says "you are here" but instead of it being a map of the mall it's a map of nothing. Things did a complete 180 with us. BUT! "Maybe I'm trippin'?" We haven't really talked. I mean a text here and there (with me sending the first text) then him saying "I'll call you back" when I did call. (he never called back) This is the same guy I spent hours on the phone with just 2 weeks ago. The same guy who I never got tired of, and I thought he felt the same. The same guy I've been talking to for almost a YEAR now. I keep thinking about that line from that one Murs song "Bad Man" he says "How can we break up, when we never broke down." and thats real, we were never together. Nothing was ever made official, yeah there were hints and little jokes, even some what if's, but nothing was ever really discussed. No love is lost. No commitment was breeched. So why do I feel so attached and ripped away? Why do I feel like someone punched me in the chest and now I'm struggling to catch my breath? "Maybe I'm trippin'?" It just felt so right... untill yesterday. He completely ducked me. Blew me off. Yeah, he was "eff'd up" but damn, we had plans. I'm a cool person (I like to think I am) I'm all about honesty, if you don't want to do something, don't lie and then blow me off. All he had to do was say "I'm just trying to chill alone or without you" I'm a big girl, I can take it. I was talking about it with my friend (Who's a guy) just now and here is what we talked about....

FRIEND: chances are, if you got treated bad, you had it comin'

FRIEND: chicks don't realize that

ME: Not all the time.

FRIEND: 9.98 times out of 10

ME: I'm not one to take up for a females actions cause I know we're shiesty too

ME: but they have those cases where shorty did nothing wrong, and guys just act stupid.

ME: Kind of like where im at now.

FRIEND: well, i'm a firm believer in karma

ME: yeah, you're right.

ME: Still sucks, even if I deserve it now, and he gets what he deserves later.

FRIEND: you'll be aight, though

FRIEND: life goes on.. and what today didn't bring, tomorrow likely will

ME: dosen't feel like it.

ME: thanks dr.Phil

FRIEND: of course it won't feel like it now... because your better judgement is clouded by emotion

ME: emotions sucks

FRIEND: that it does

ME: Crazy thing is, there was no love. Maybe lust, but thats not supposed to make you feel hollow. I mean i liked him, but I wasn't falling for him that hard... i didn't think I was

ME: It wasn't, I wasn't "in love"

ME: it's not really emotions, it's my pride.

ME: I feel played. lol

And I do, I feel played more then anything. Like I'm just in a daze. I want to believe that I'm just trippin', like he said, but I have the gut feeling that I'm not. I'm not over exagerating this. He went from calling me all the time, and just making me feel special to making me feel like a bother. Like he'd be better off it I left him alone. I don't know. Hopefully I am just trippin'...

Sorry it's been a while since I've actually posted a decent blog, and this one has to be a vent, but I needed to let this out. Before I choked on the annoyance I'm feeling. Man, I just feel like a zombie. I've been listening to this song I heard with him by Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Posses Your Heart" and even though it makes me feel like shit cause it reminds me of him, I feel a peace of solace when I do hear it. (I do suggest you download it) All in all, really I just hope we can mend the friendship if there is something wrong, my fingers are crossed that I am just trippin' out on nothing. If anything though his friendship means more, cause deep down past his "man" faults he's a really great guy, even if he's not MY guy. He's still my friend. Hopefully. (sigh)

Psychotic Bitch

So, I've been feeling kind of crazy recently...

Back in Texas

Everything isn't always as it seems.

Guys suck, period. (I know now)

My trip went from good to terrible in one day.

The End

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Well not really on a jet plane, but I am leaving tomorrow. YAY! I have to admit this week went by faster then I expected it too. I'm not complaining. I am totally ubber excited. (ha ha) Not only to go see "him" but I get to see my familia, and I just get to escape for a while. No stress, no worries, just me. (and him =] lol) I haven't even started packing yet, and I was supposed to make a trip to the mall to grab some new tunnels for my ears (I'm an a 00 now) and some new kicks (dunks <3)>up and do the things I need to do before I leave. Ahh well, hopefully I will get everything done. Maybe I'll obtain a camera in the meantime and I'll have pictures to show. (Mine broke a few weeks ago) Well I wish you guys all the best during the next few days and if you're celebrating mardi gras then do it up and drink it down. =] Have a blessed one guys.

The Rain Don't Last Forever

So, Maybe I should stop being cheap, and actually get my own wifi. My computer hasn't been catching the one network that dosen't have a security code, so now I am sitting outside 3 buildings down just so I can play around on my computer. (My butt is numb already from sitting on the stairs.) I've waited all day to actually come sit out side. It's been raining non-stop the past two days. I love the rain, mainly on those lazy days that I can sit inside, cuddled up with a good book or movie, and sit there to enjoy it. I was glad when it finally did stop though. I needed to get out of that apartment for a while, if only to sit outside. (lol) Oh well, so I leave for Louisiana in less than 3 days. SO EXCITED on so many different levels. I get to see Chris. I get to see my family, and I get to be HOME. Louisiana will always be my home. I don't get to go to New Orleans (kinda sucks) but I do get to fell like I am where I belong. I also need some cajun cooking to live'n up my soul. Louisiana to myself isn't just a place, and New Orleans isn't just a city. It's the foundation of who and what I am. I hate not being able to be there, and settle down where my roots belong, but time will tell when I can go back. Well, Hopefully I'll be back with some updates, and soon I'll have my connection working again. (I hope - crosses fingers) Well other than my Mardi Gras trip coming up, Life has been pretty slow and uneventful. Oh crap, here comes the rain. Peace and Love everyone
.

Happy Valentines Day

Poem Time?

I think yes.

P.S. Chris (See "Alone for Vday") is my valentine. :) He asked me this morning through AIM since he's in Louisiana right now. My face hurt from smiling so hard. Anyway, to the poem...

"If Love Were a Poet"

If love were a poet it would flow like liquid silk
It would procreate life like milk
if love were a poet it would dovetail Huges and Shakespear
it would alleviate all fears
Love would be able to get in anyones pants
Love would make you feel itself like pastors when they lay hands
it would write sonnets that boomed in your inner ear
if love were a poet it would instantly bring tears
love would be the type of poet that we all aspire to emulate
It would be Dickinson, Plath, Sanchez, or Giovanni
love would rejuvinate your aura and make you tipsy
it would have similies and metaphors that intertwine effortlessly
the words would cause orgasm instantly
they would blend like Halle and Beauty do
have you running to your bedroom to do what lovers do
the prose would hit you in the heart like when Luther Sings
if love were a poet would it write with couplets in a,b format
would it write hate poems that make your feelings go doormat
would the lines be so deep you'd need a dictionary to comprehend
or would you have to make encyclopedia britannica your best friend
would love write untill you couldn't contain your raw emotions
untill your synapses had all fired and caused commotions
if love were a poet would it be a guy or a girl
would it be gay or straight
what would love think aboutwhat would be loves inspiration
what would be your interpritation
but one thing i would want to know for myself
if love were a poet would it be vain and write about itself

You guys have a GREAT Valentines Day, if it be you're alone, or spending it with someone special (whoever they may be) I hope this day is filled with love for you and yours.

It's Over

My ex called me today. We recently broke up (about a month ago) and it was really hard hearing his voice. He said he was just calling because he was thinking about me. He mentioned Valentines Day, but I was too busy internally arguing with my mind and heart, debating on weather I should hang up now, or throw myself into the flames and break down. Even having someone new that I am genuinely intrested in, he still gets to me. It's almost like my heart and I are speaking different languages and we can't seem to communicate properly to let each other know that it's time to move on. I'm over him, and I know that, but there are some things I can't seem to tune into myself and refrain from letting it effect me. It was really ironic when he called, I was listening to this song (play video) and I kind of just told him everything thats in the song. It's easier to let go if I don't hear from him. I can deal and move on so much better if he dosen't pop up on random days. I don't need to care, nor do I about what he is doing (or who he is doing) I erased all the pics I had of him and us. I deleted every number I had on him. I erased him from myspace, facebook, ect. I have to let go. I need to move on, so it's Over.

Alone for V Day, but thats OK

So he's kind of got my attention and YES, he won't let go. This has to be one of the coolest guys I have met in a long time. (a VERY long time.) He keeps me with a smile on my face, even when I am too tired to move a muscle, and he genuinely makes me happy. I look forward to hearing from him. Even if I know to expect his call I get all giddy and childlike. We met during the summer while I was living with my aunt in Louisiana. (I recently moved to Texas with my mom) We've talked ever since. Since I've gotten older, I have never been much of a phone person. (I don't own a cellphone at the moment) But, I remeber the first night we talked. He had class, but even knowing that we sat on the phone from 10pm (I think) to around 9am the next morning! It was the longest conversation I'd had in years, and to be honest I didn't even want to hang up. It was one of those phone calls that last forever and you still feel like the moment could keep going. The highlight of the entire call was never either of us saying "So, what do you want to talk about?" I don't think we ever had to ask that. We talked about everything and anything. We clicked, and the conversation flowed. We had so much in common, but there was also a balance of his dislikes and mine. So it wasn't some type of Stepford Wives perfection. It wasn't this one night, let's pass the time phone call and maybe we will talk again either. We still talk, we still have things to talk about, and I still get butterflies when I hear his voice. He calls me while I'm at work just to see how I'm doing and if I am AWAKE (I work over night) and what makes it better is that I'm not tired of him, and I'm hoping he isn't tired of me. So this year I am not bitter about being alone for V Day. I know I have someone special to think about. So I'm content with simply sitting at home, watching "The Notebook", and eating my favorite flavor ice cream (Mint Chocolate Chip) and thinking about him, and hopefully he's thinking about me. :)

So, I Kinda Cheated

Well I mentioned in my first post (I think) that I quit smoking. In some ways it's alot easier then I thought it would be, but I'm not one without demons and tonight at work I succumbed. I didn't buy a pack because I figured if I did then I would have a reason to smoke the whole pack. (can't waste) I bummed a cigarette from a fellow employee and lit up. :( I felt horrible after, and I still do. It hasn't even been a full 2 weeks yet, and I let myself down. I damn near cried after I finally put the smoke out, and walked back inside to work. I was joking about it, but it was a battle to keep the burning tears in place and not let them over flow from my eyes and give away my true dissapointment. I don't want to make up excuses, but it was just a crappy day. I realized once again that people aren't what they seem, and most just set you up for failure anyway. I feel even worst because I let what someone did to me bring me down to the point that I truly dissapointed myself. I am NOT giving up though. I knew I could do this before, and I know I still can. It's a step backward, but I am destined to move forward. =]

New Orleans at the Grammy Awards

Watching this performance gave me chills. Wayne brought N.O. to the Grammys. This was amazing. The song, the lyrics, everything. Robin Thicke is such a talented man. The Brass Band and the 2nd line dancing was a touch of home. It's been almost 4 years since the storm and we're still striving to survive. WE ARE SURVIVING none the less, and Lil Wayne hasn't let the world forget us.

Domestic Drama

So we have recently read in the headlines about the twisted ordeal between R&B sensations Chris Brown and Rihanna. Alledgedly on Sunday Febuary 8th 2009 Chris brown got into a verbal altercation with said female in question (Rihanna) and then the argument turned physical. The press is saying he was booked on a "domestic violence felony criminal threat incident" Police reports claim that the woman in question had visible marks on her body when they arrived and Chris Brown had already left the scene. Chris Brown turned himself in at 6:30pm and was booked by 7:45pm. The press later started saying that Rihanna is possibly the female in question. Chris Brown and Rihanna both pulled out of Sundays Grammy Awards lineup. Rihannas rep insist it was because of a "car accident" the singer was involved in. Now I don't know facts because I wasn't there. This information is all based on what the press and the L.A. police department have confirmed. I was in shock when I read about this situation. I had heard something last night about them both pulling out of the show, but because I had to leave for work I didn't hear anything else about it untill yesterday morning. I am sickened by the situation. Domestic violence is a horrible and painful ordeal. I've seen comments people have made saying "Well she probally deserved it." NO ONE deserves to be beaten. Not by anyone. Especially by the one they love. Male or female, it is wrong. There is no such thing as "love taps" or "playful punches" There are no excuses. I grew up watching my mother and father fight and argue, and on both sides I saw someone throw the first punch. People ask me "How can you be close to your father after seeing that?" and It's hard, but my mom wasn't completely innocent. They were both wrong. Hitting someone is never justifiable. Not in a situation with anyone much less someone you're supposed to love. I was 15 when I got into a relationship with my sons father. (He's 2 years and some odd months older than me.) It was 6 months to the day we got together that he showed the first signs of an abusive nature. We got into a little argument (I dont even remember for what) and he pushed me into a wall. All I could do was cry. I was speechless. We broke up for a few days, but I was young and in love. We got back together and within the next month it happened again. This time was over me telling him I didn't love him during an argument. He punched me in my leg. I had a bruised thigh for weeks. This cycle never ended. The progression got worst. I kept making excuses for his and my behavior. It was so unhealthy for us both. I am not denying my actions or my reactions. I did play a part in the confrontations, and I did hit back. (still NOT right) I ended up in the hospital twice. Both times needing stitches. Once for a busted lip, and the next for a gash on my eye. It was almost a year and a half later I found out I was pregnant. I thought now is a reason for us to get along. We HAD to get shit right, this time. No more arguments, no more fights, and no more hitting. I was wrong. It wasn't untill I was 2 months pregnant and we got into an argument and he threw a beer bottle at my stomach!! My stomach, WHERE OUR BABY WAS. That I realized "I have to get out." I couldn't try and help US anymore. I couldn't even help myself. And now I wasn't just living for myself. This didn't just affect US. I had a life inside of me. This affected MY BABY.

I left. I walked out with the clothes on my back, and one booksack of personal things. Was it hard? "Yes" Was it worth it? "Yes" I am alive, I am healthy, I am happy, and no one will ever beat me down again. I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy on June 7th 2006 and I know I lived for him. "Us" has a whole new meaning to me now. Us, is my son and I. The ones that matter most. Each year an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to physical or verbal violence. Research shows that 80 to 90 percent of children living in homes where there is domestic violence are aware of the violence. I couldn't have that for my son. I couldn't have that for either of us. I want everyone to realize that this isn't just a man beating on a woman or a child. This can happen in all shapes and forms. In no way is it ever right. Woman can beat men. (it happens) that dosen't make it OK. It's just as bad. Please if you or someone you know is involved in a violent situation with a loved one get help, or help them get help. Pain is not love, and love should not hurt. These things affect EVERYONE! My prayers go out to Rihanna, and also Chris Brown through these times. I hope they both get help and overcome this.
Awareness is essential to change this world.

Stop the cycle.
Need Help?
http://www.avhotline.org

More

Grammy Time

So last night the 51st Annual Grammy Awards aired on CBS and I hardly got to watch it. I did get to catch some performances before I had to leave for work (I was late, lol.) Some of those were actually the main ones I wanted to catch. T.I., Kanye West, Jay Z, Lil Wayne, and MIA were great. I didn't expect to see MIA on stage being 9 months pregnant and DUE that day. (thank goodness her water didn't break on stage) I got to see Justin Timberlake and T.I. perform also. Justin has matured into such a talented artist, it's amazing, and with everything that T.I. has been going through he still put on one hell of a show. I sat down and stared at my TV with one sock on like a child watching Saturday morning cartoons. That distant blank stare on my face. (I may have even drooled) I'm such a music geek. I loved Sugarlands performace. ("Stay" has become an all time favorite country song) and when Adele came out and sang I was in total awe. Her voice gives me chills. I've never watched award shows based on who was winning. My favorite part has always been the performances, good or bad. I also enjoy the live fuck ups that every now and then we are blessed with. It's a reminded that they are really HUMAN. All in all what I was able to catch was good. I'm going to try and youtube some clips later once I've had some sleep. I'm on empty and still trying to go 100 miles an hour. I did want to do some research about the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama that unfolded hours before the show. I've heard so many different rumours I'm not sure what happened. Chris Brown was supposedly arrested, and Rihanna dropped her performance hours before filming. I guess we will have to wait till that comes to the surface. Well I hope everyone got to enjoy the show, and those who didn't =[ (damn)

Barbie and Ken 101

No She Didn't

So, I know we have all (well a majority) heard the clip of Etta James dissing OUR president, along with the extremely and undeniably talented Beyonce' for singing "her" song "At Last". Don't get me wrong. Etta James is a legend in my eyes. She's an amazing woman who has overcome measures I couldn't even begin to imagine, but... c'mon Etta. "Why you hatin'?" The sad thing is that it is so obvious that she is jealous. She didn't have a problem with Beyonce performing the song untill AFTER the inaguration. Seriously?! Here are some facts about "her song"

• "At Last was written in 1941 by Mack Gordon and Harry Warren for the musical film "Orchestra Wives"

• It was first performed in the film and on record by Glenn Miller and his orchestra, vocal by Ray Eberle and Pat Friday.

• It reached number 14 on the billboard pop charts in 1942 (18 years before it was recorded by Etta James)

• Nat King Cole recorded it in 1957 on his number one album "Love Is the Thing"

• It wasn't untill 1960 that Etta James first recorded and performed the song.

Yes, the song became Etta James' signature song, but for her to bash someone for doing (exactly) what she did in the first place is childish and petty. It was someone elses song before Etta performed it. Plus it's not like Beyonce' butchered the song. She did an amazing job. Why didn't Etta have a problem when Christina Aguilera OVER sang it? (no offence Christina fans) She was "honored and thrilled" when she found out Beyonce' would portray her in a motion picture. Now she's going to "whoop her ass" Really?! Then to say "He ain't my president." speaking about Barack Obama (Our President) is pure stupidity. News Flash, if you like it or not he is THE PRESIDENT. He's your president as long as you reside in the United States of America for the next 4 years. (hopefully eight) Don't like it? Move. Now don't get me wrong. I was raised on classical Jazz, and Etta was and always will be a favorite, but this was beyong silly. I hope she realizes that.

She's at it Again

So I've decided to begin the crazy hectic journey of keeping another blog. I had one previously, but I tend to get bored very easily. (Like now) I do however enjoy writting and discussions. (who dosen't love getting their point across?) This is NOT a popularity contest. I'm not in this for followers (the follower app. dosent work with my template anyway and I don't know how to figure it out.) I'm here to express myself. My views and opioins are what matter most to me. (comments are nice!) I like knowing how YOU feel aswell. I vent, I cry (alot.) I am human. THIS IS MY BLOG! If you don't agree with something I have to say or how I feel about something, by all means SAY IT! I am not a close minded individual. I am willing to see things for anyones perspective. (I don't claim to know everything) I am willing to learn aswell as teach. (ask questions. I answer) Geez, I just noticed it's 10:40am and I have been up since 2:00am. Right now would be the time that I would light up a cigarette, but I quit. (It's been a full week.) I heard somewhere that if you can quit something for one week, you can quit forever. I've been smoking since I was 9 years old. I know?! I turned 20 January 17th. For 11 years I have had this "crutch" I guess you could call it, and in ONE week I have branched out on my own. Alone and cold turkey. (Yay me!) I work overnight, and I realized after I actually quit smoking that when I am at work is when I smoke the most. So thats the time the cravings start. I always thought it was silly ...addiction.!? Yeah, it's not in the least bit. I am surviving though, and I am proud of myself. I've also decided for the first year ever to commit to a "new years resolution" :) I want to lose weight. I've come across this new found will power, so I'm taking it on full throttle. I just hope I'm not biting off more then I can chew. (no pun intended, lol) I figured my two task go hand in hand. I've been told people who quit smoking seem to gain weight. I think I can do it, better yet I know I can. I bought some weight loss pills (hydroxycut) and already I have lost 4 and a half pounds in 2 weeks. (dieting and excersize) I'm begining to believe that 2009 will be a good year. Hope you're all enjoying it.